Articles, Journal Entry, Life

July 15th 2015

Dear Diary,

Here’s my life from of last couple of days…

I like to think I have a certain ability… a gift of sorts. A poisoned gift, if I may say so.

It allows me to easily get away from everyday life, almost in the blink of an eye; the problem is, it also reminds me of how much I wish I was another. I’m not talking about my physique (I’m rather okay with the way I look), or even my way of thinking… I’m talking about my everyday life. I would like to have another daily life. I would like to live in a world where “ifs” are real situations.

If I had a little courage, I would finish all those essays I started writing. If I could, I would go talk to this stranger sitting in the other square of the metro. If we wanted to, the band would take off … If only I dared …

But I never do.

And nothing ever goes as planned. Whatever the situation, I always act differently from what I expect of myself … I consciously alter my behavior to be “more compliant”, “more normal”, “more suited” to my interlocutors or those around me. I wish I could contain this urge to appear “normal” in any situation. It would save me the discomfort, anguish, impatience and embarrassment that some of them bring to me, as well as all that follows: frustration, disgust, shame …

I wish I told him that he has a gorgeous smile… Instead, I’m staring at him, lost in thought. He notices me, I lower my eyes. And this is how the journey continues. If I weren’t “me” I would have smiled back, maybe even introduced myself… But “normal” people don’t do that. Normal people bow their heads with an embarrassed smile and move on. That’s what I did.

It is 08:06 am, I am in the subway that takes me to work and the stranger is sitting across from me. He physically represents “the man of my dreams” … One of them, at least. Dark-haired, with light eyes, and a magnificent smile, he is slightly older and smells of hot bread (to each their own); his hands are big and muscular, he’s not very hairy – it’s summer, V-neck season – and he reads (admittedly, it’s nothing physical but that’s all also more attractive than a “Candy Crusheur“). Anyway, I like it.

Maybe I could drop something on the way out, for him to pick it up? No, that’s stupid. Ask him what he’s reading? “Mr. Tompkins in Wonderland” (I can read it on the cover). Give him my bookmark with my number on it? Ok, that’s enough, I go back to my reading. If I meet him again tomorrow, I’ll try something … Of course, I will never see him again… “it was fate“! I arrive at work.

1:00 p.m. is lunch time. I have nothing, as usual. I’d like to eat pizza. It will be a tuna panini. “Do you want dessert? ” YES. “No, no thanks, a panini is already very filling” … I have the feeling that it is not me speaking. If I had had my pay, I would have had a lemon tart. I eat my sandwich while walking. It’s crazy how many people you meet when you eat a tuna sandwich while walking …

I arrive at work (again). I have a whole afternoon to think about what I won’t be doing this week. Going to the gym, going out alone with a book (ah! I did that), buying myself new shoes, getting on with the show I started a month ago… I don’t have time for that. Yet I am completely bored today. If I had a tea, it would be better. But “normal” people drink coffee… Oh hell! I want some tea.

7 p.m., I drank 12 teas. I have peed 18 times and everything is fine. It makes me happy to drink tea. It’s silly but I like it. Tea and herbal tea are awesome. I’m going home now. If I find someone I like on the road, I’ll say something. To avoid this, I read… I immerse myself in my book as if the whole universe resides there and I do not see anybody any more – no way I’m letting myself meet someone for real, what would I do if it happened?

“Final stop, all travelers are invited to get off. The doors will open on the left”. And if I crossed him, “him”. And this is where it hits me: the “gift”. 20 minutes of walking because I missed my stop, once I get home I’ll take a dream-filled shower and more than an hour before falling asleep… all because I need to spend some time on my “other daily life”.

I get off the metro and X is there. He spotted me on the way out so he’s waiting for me behind the swinging doors. He kisses me on the cheeks.

“Hi ! How are you?” He is so handsome. “Very well and you ? It’s been a long time.” He smirks. “It’s true, we don’t live far from each other yet, you still have to come seem my place! He always finds the words that make me happy. “Yes ! You too by the way! Especially because I’m the one who just moved in.” We continue to walk quietly, the sidewalk is narrow so we are a little close but that doesn’t bother me …” Whenever you want!” It’s tempting but I remember the unnamed mess I left at home. I am always very realistic. “Another time, it’s a mess today.”

(To be continued)

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